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Everyone has lots of questions surrounding pregnancy, birth and parenthood. That's perfectly normal! Some of these questions can be embarrassing to ask, particularly in front of your partner. I hope that you will find the answers to most of these questions here, but if there's something you can't find here that you particularly want an answer to (no matter how embarrassing!) please email me. I will keep this in the strictest confidence. Chances are you are not alone and others will be wondering the same thing! If appropriate and you give me permission, I will put the answer on this page for others to read too - but I promise I will make sure no one will ever know who asked it in the first place. Thoughout this section, I have referred to 'calling your midwife'. If you do not have a named midwife to call, your local labour ward/delivery suite will have midwives on hand to answer any questions you might have - day or night! I have divided this section into Pregnancy, Birth and Parenthood questions. |
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PREGNANCY |
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LABOUR
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How will I know if she's in labour? When should we call the midwife? |
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If she's having a waterbirth, can I get in the pool with her? |
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PARENTHOOD |
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Can we still have sex? Having sex is perfectly safe during pregnancy. You can't harm the baby - there are many barriers that protect him or her while they are in the womb. In fact, towards the end of pregnancy, sex might be a good way of encouraging labour to happen! The only time you might be recommended not to have sex is if your partner has had some bleeding and the cause has not yet been found, or if her waters have broken, as there may be an increased risk of infection. You might have to be a bit more experimental with positions, in order for you both to feel comfortable. Many people recommend the 'spoons' position, where the man lies behind the woman - this avoids the baby getting in the way! Women will differ in their sexual responses during pregnancy. Some women might want to have sex more often, others might not want to have sex at all. Good communication and being sensitive to your partner's responses is essential. |
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Is it normal for my partner to get mood swings? I'm afraid that mood swings are very common in pregnancy and there's very little that can be done about it. Pregnancy hormones are the main culprit, so try to avoid triggering off any rows if you can help it and try not to take it personally! |
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How much weight will she put on? The average woman will put on 12-14kg (around 2 stone) during pregnancy, but this will be a bit different for everyone. There is certainly no need to 'eat for two', as a reasonable diet will be sufficient to grow a healthy sized baby. It is worth remembering that the baby will take what it needs to grow at the expense of the mother - so try to encourage her to eat well or she will be the one who ends up feeling awful! Rapid or excessive weight gain could sometimes be an indication of problems, so always consult your midwife if you are concerned. |
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What do you need to buy for the baby? You really don't need to spend an awful lot of money before the baby comes - as long as you've got the basic bits and pieces, you can get anything else you think you need later on. For example, you will need some clothes for the baby - vests, babygros, hats for journeys outside - and some newborn size nappies. You won't need baby wipes or creams for the first four to six weeks as the baby's skin is very sensitive when it is born and can react to them, so it's best just to use water and cotton wool balls. A blanket is also a good idea. There is no need to buy an expensive cot straight away - far better to get a moses basket that you can move from room to room, as the baby will probably be sleeping in with you, at least at first. If you have your baby in hospital and are leaving by car, you'll need a good car seat to put the baby in. Make sure it's one that complies to European Safety Standards (ask in the shop). However, try not to leave the baby in the car seat all the time, as there is some evidence to say that the baby's back will not be in a good position to develop properly. A sling is a really good idea as well, because it means you or your partner can carry the baby round but still keep your hands free! If your partner is breastfeeding, you don't need any equipment straight away, although you might like to get a breast pump later on. If she is formula feeding, you will need to get several bottles and teats (around 6-8) and a steriliser. Anything else can be bought as and when you need it! |
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Is it normal for her to be producing milk already? Often women will start to produce milk whilst they are still pregnant. This is perfectly normal. There is no need to express milk (stimulate the breast to make the milk come out) as this will only encourage the breast to produce more! You might find - perhaps to your alarm - that during sex your partners breasts start to leak milk. This is normal and is due to the fact that breastfeeding uses the same hormone that you produce when you make love (oxytocin). Many men rather like it! If you are not keen, your partner could wear a bra or a top during sex to prevent it being too obvious. |
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Can I attend midwife appointments/antenatal classes? Absolutely! It's well worth attending visits and antenatal classes as it will give you the opportunity to be involved in the process and ask questions. However, it can sometimes feel as though you are not welcomed by the midwife and that they tend to focus on your partner. Not everyone is as good at talking to young dads - or dads of any age for that matter - as they should be. Try to force them into including you by asking lots of questions, they'll soon get the idea! If this doesn't work, then see if it's possible to change your midwife to one you feel more comfortable with. |
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Is there anything we can do to encourage labour? Certainly there's little you can do to get your partner into labour if she's not yet ready - our bodies are too clever for that! But if she's due and on the verge of going into labour, there are things that might just 'tip her over the edge'. For example, long walks, sex, eating spicy foods and fresh pineapple could all help, although no one thing works for everyone! Acupuncture and reflexology can also work, but these must be carried out by a qualified professional. The midwife might also offer your partner something called a 'stretch and sweep', which involves an internal examination. The midwife tries to insert her finger into the cervix (the opening at the bottom of the womb), encouraging the production of hormones which might help your partner to labour. That said, babies will make an appearance when they are good and ready, so try to be patient and enjoy the time you have just you two together... Hospitals often recommend induction of labour (artificially starting the labour off) if a woman goes 10 days over her 'due date'. However, due dates aren't always accurate and there is plenty of evidence that, as long as the baby is moving and growing well, it is safe to wait for labour to start naturally. If this course of action is recommended to you, make sure you ask lots of questions about both the pros and cons and don't forget that you have every right to decline the induction if you don't feel it is the right thing for you both. |
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Can I attend the birth? Do I HAVE to be there? You certainly don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to, but if you would like to be at the birth and your partner is happy for you to be there, there's no reason why not. The problem might lie if you partner was reluctant for you to be there, because it's very important that a woman in labour feels relaxed and comfortable with the people around her in order for her labour to progress smoothly. Either way, talk to your partner about your feelings about the birth and reassure her you will listen to what she feels she needs at the time. And please don't take it personally if she decides she's more comfortable with her mum or friends! |
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How will I know if she's in labour? When should we call the midwife? There are several ways labour can start. Many people will have what's called a show first - it's a mucousy discharge (it looks a bit like snot!), which has up till now been sitting in the neck of the womb (the cervix) and starts to come out as the cervix begins to change as it prepares for labour. But bear in mind that it can happen up to 2 weeks before labour actually starts, so there's no need to panic. Shows can be blood-stained and that is normal, although if there appears to be more than a tablespoon of blood, it's best to call the midwife to check everything's okay. Contractions are the most common way for labour to start - these will feel like crampy pains low down in your partner's tummy (her tummy will go hard too) and will probably be very mild to start with, gradually gettting stronger, lasting longer and coming more often. Sometimes the contractions are felt more in your partner's back, depending on which way the baby is lying. Keep an eye on how often they are coming - time them from the beginning of one contraction to the beginning of another - and call your midwife when they are 5 minutes apart and lasting for about 1 minute. She will advise you as to what to do next - she might come to see you at home or she might invite you to come into the hospital. Sometimes, your partner's waters may break before she goes into labour. If they are clear/straw coloured, then call the midwife to let her know, then relax and await events: labour is usually not far behind. Different hospitals may give you differing advice if this happens. Some might suggest that the labour is induced straightaway, and some are happy to wait up to 96 hours - research has shown that most labours will have started by this time and as long as the baby is still moving well and there is no sign of infection (raised temperature, fast pulse, flushed skin) it's safe to wait. Don't forget that the hospital is only making recommendations - you have the right to decline any treatment you don't want to have. If the waters break and they are green or brown, this could be a sign that the baby isn't very happy, although if your partner is past her due date then it may well just be sign that your baby is ready for life on the outside and has started pooing to prove it! You would need to call the hospital and go in, just to be sure the baby is still happy inside. However, for most people, the waters won't break until labour is well established. The most important thing is that if you are ever concerned about what's happening or are not sure if everything is normal - call your midwife or your labour ward for advice. |
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How long does labour last? How long is a piece of string? Labour will be different for everyone and this is perfectly normal. However, to give you a (very) rough indictation, first labours usually last around 12 hours - so there's no hurry! But this really refers to 'established labour', which is when contractions are strong and regular and the cervix (the neck or opening of the womb) is dilated more than 3-4cm. Your partner might be having milder or irregular contrations for some time before that point, which can often be pretty uncomfortable and are making other changes to the cervix, such as softening it, shortening it and bringing it forward. All very important changes to occur before the cervix can dilate! Very rarely, women can have what's known as 'precipitate' labour. This is where it all happens very quickly, only a couple of hours or less. If you think your partner is having a very quick labour, then call your midwife and she can advise you. |
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What can I do during labour? Support, encouragement and reassurance are the biggest things you can do when your partner is in labour. Her body will be taking over and telling her what to do, so be led by her. Some women like to be held, stroked and massaged - others can't stand to be touched! But having someone there who loves you - and won't mind if you shout at them! - is very reassuring for most women. On a practical level, fetching drinks and toast is very handy and if your partner finds it helpful to have her lower back rubbed - which can be a good way of 'confusing' the pain signals she is receiving - then that's a good job for the dads! It might sound very simple and basic, but talking your partner though the contractions and reminding her to keep breathing and relaxing all the way through is very important. It's very easy to hold your breath and tense up when you are in pain but it only makes it worse. Knowing that someone is there, looking out for you and supporting you has carried many a woman through a difficult labour. |
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Is birth really messy? It can be quite messy towards the end, yes! There might be amniotic fluid (the fluid which surrounds the baby), mucous, blood or even small amounts of poo around. But the midwife will try to keep the mess to a minimum and if you're squeamish, it might be better to stay up the 'non-business' end - it will all be worth it in the end though... |
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What about homebirth? Is it safe? Absolutely. Homebirth has been proved as safe as, if not safer than, hospital birth - even for first-time mums! Labour relies on hormones to go smoothly but the hormones we produce when we are stressed (adrenaline and noradrenaline) can interfere with the hormone we use for labour (oxytocin). If you feel safe and comfortable - as you do when you are in your own, familiar surroundings - then your labour will progress more smoothly. There is little in labour that goes wrong without warning and you can always transfer into the hospital if it is necessary. But rest assured, the midwives who attend you at home are trained to react appropriately if something should occur and carry equipment to deal with any problems that should arise. You don't need a big space either - one small room will do, the midwives will bring absorbant sheets for your partner to birth on so they can easily clear up the mess afterwards! If you and your partner would like a homebirth then you have every right to have one - wherever you live - so discuss this with your midwife. |
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If she's having a waterbirth, can I get in the pool with her? Water can be brilliant pain relief during labour and waterbirth is increasingly popular. It can be a lovely, gentle way to give birth. Most hospitals and birth centres will have a pool, or you can hire one to have at home if you would like a home waterbirth. Some women like to labour in water but prefer to get out for the birth - similarly some women who only want to use the water for labour suddenly decide they don't want to get out. There's no reason why you can't get into the pool with your partner - but it might be best if you wear trunks to avoid scaring the midwife! |
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Can I stay in hospital with her after the birth? If you partner is in hospital to give birth, then you will be able to stay with her whilst she is in labour, no matter what the time. However, once the baby is born, different hospitals might have rules about whether you can spend the night there or not. Ask beforehand but you might find that individual midwives are more flexible than others! |
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What if she had the baby before anyone else got there - what should I do? As mentioned previously, very quick labours are rare, especially in first-time mums. But they do happen occasionally and if your partner has the baby before anyone else arrives, make sure you've called the midwife and, usually, an ambulance to be on the safe side and that they are on their way. Most babies born this way will come out in good condition and all you need to do is hand him/her to the mother to hold against her bare skin - which helps to regulate their breathing, colour and temperature - and dry him/her off with a towel. Then cover both mum and baby with a towel or blanket to keep them warm and wait for the midwife to arrive. There is no need to cut, or even touch, the cord. It can happily stay attached without any problems - but you could cause problems by interfering with it. If the ambulance is the first to arrive and the paramedics attempt to do anything to the cord please remind them of this! They don't see births very often and are not expected to be experts in childbirth. The placenta might come out straightaway or might take a little while to do so. This is normal. If this situation occurs and there are no problems, there is no need to go into hospital at all, so you can stay at home and enjoy being a new family. |
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What happens to the placenta? The placenta is normally disposed of at the hospital - they tend to burn them. If you would like to take it home then that's fine! And yes, the rumours are true, some people (but very few) eat their placentas. No, I've no idea what it tastes like but I do have some recipes if you would like to email me for them! But it doesn't look very appetising. Some people want to bury it in their back gardens but you must make sure you bury it deep enough that local dogs/foxes don't smell it, dig it up and drag it round the streets. It can really annoy your neighbours... |
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When can we have sex again? The answer will be different for everyone - really the answer is when you both want to! Bear in mind that your partner might have had stitches or grazes on her vaginal wall or labia (the vaginal lips), which could make sex a bit sore at first, but as long as you are gentle and have enough lubrication (you might need a bit of KY jelly) then it should be fine. The main thing to remember is that your partner could potentially get pregnant again just 3 weeks after having a baby (!) so if you are going to have sex, make sure you use contraception if you want to avoid another pregnancy so soon. You'll need to ask your midwife, GP or family planning clinic which contraceptives are appropriate at this early stage, particularly if your partner is breastfeeding, but condoms are a good bet whatever. Breastfeeding itself can work well as a contraceptive but it would need to be exclusive breastfeeding (not missing any feeds and giving no supplements) to be reliable so you might want to be on the safe side and use something else as well. |
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Why do babies cry? Good question. But not easy to answer! It is, after all, the only way they have to communicate with us so we sometimes have to be a bit psychic...The main reasons babies cry is that they are hungry, have a dirty nappy and are therefore uncomfortable, are just tired or are in pain for some reason. It's not always easy to tell which one it is! But as a general rule of thumb, if the baby cries, try feeding him/her, then check his/her nappy and then try holding him/her close and comforting them. This will work for most babies. If it doesn't, then it could be that s/he has wind so try winding them. Or they could have colic - a painful condition connected with the digestive system - or may be ill. Is s/he hot? What colour is s/he? Is s/he peeing and pooing well? If you have any concerns about your baby's health then either call your midwife or GP. If you think it is an emergency, then take them to the nearest A&E that has a 'paediatric' (children's) department. Sometimes babies just cry and we don't know why. Most of them like to be near their parents - and don't forget that daddies can be just as good at comforting as mummies! - and cry when you put them down. A sling - a cloth device which straps the baby to you - can be useful if this is the case, as it means you can hold them and get on with other things at the same time. Most babies are very good and only cry when they want to tell you something. However, if you find your baby is crying all the time and you can't work out why, this can be very frustrating and upsetting for you. The self-help group CRY-SIS can be very useful at this time - it is run by people who have gone through exactly the same thing and have a helpline number you can call when you need some advice, support and reassurance: 020 7404 5011. The line is open from 8.00am - 11.00pm , 365 days a year. |
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How often will the baby feed? Again, all babies are individuals on this front. Some will feed every three hours, some more and some less frequently. Breastfed babies tend to feed a little more often than formula-fed babies as the milk can be more easily absorbed by them. However, they tend to settle more easily between feeds as they don't have so many problems with wind or colic as formula-fed babies. As long as your baby is warm, pink, is waking up to feed and is alert when doing so, and is peeing and pooing well, then that's fine. If you think there might be any problems, then speak to your midwife about them. You might find that every so often, your baby will seem to want to feed all the time. This will last for a day or two, before settling back into a routine. This is because, if your baby is breastfeeding, the baby is having a growth spurt and is trying to make the breast produce more milk for him/her to eat! If s/he is being bottle-fed then they can also go through this phase - babies don't know they're not being breastfed! You might find therefore that this phase means they want to take more formula milk at each feed. |
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What's so good about breastfeeding? Hmmm. Where do I start? Breastfeeding is the natural way to feed your baby and as such, provides the baby with protection in so many different ways. For instance, we know that the millions of antibodies the mother has produced thoughout her life, in response to illnesses she's had or bacteria she's been exposed to, will be copied and passed on through her breastmilk, giving the baby protection to things s/he might be exposed to later on. We know that breastfeeding protects against tummy upsets, chest infections and even ear infections! We know that it gives long term protection to your baby by reducing his/her risk of developing allergies, asthma and eczema, diabetes, heart disease and obesity. We know that it decreases the risk of cot death. We also know that babies who are breastfed have better teeth and less smelly nappies! And we know that breastfed babies tend to develop better mentally too. It's not just the babies who get protection from breastfeeding. Women who breastfeed have lower rates of breast cancer, ovarian cancer and osteoporosis - not to mention regaining their pre-pregnancy figure quicker! Add to this the fact that breast milk is always on hand, doesn't need to be prepared or warmed, is automatically sterile, as well as being free, and it makes for a very convenient and safe delivery system of food for your baby. It can sometimes seem like midwives promote breastfeeding too heavily, which runs the risk of alienating those mothers who choose not to do it. From the information given above, I hope you can see why we think it's so good. It's a very difficult balance to reach - making sure that people are making those choices in full knowledge of the facts but also making sure we provide support to women no matter what they decide to do. |
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How long can milk be left out for? The advice differs whether you are breast or formula feeding. BREASTMILK ONLY: The following advice comes from the Association of Breastfeeding Mothers(ABM). You can store breastmilk:
You can store milk in a freezer for various lengths of time depending on the kind you have. Always keep the milk in the back of the freezer away from the door, because items stored towards the front are more susceptible to changing temperatures when you open the freezer. You can store milk:
You may combine breastmilk you collected that day with frozen milk as long as it's chilled for at least an hour first, and the amount that you are freezing is less than half of the frozen amount. Fresh milk retains more of its protective properties than frozen milk, so whenever possible, use refrigerated rather than frozen milk for feeding your baby. But note that frozen breast milk still has more health benefits than formula milk. If you are going to freeze breastmilk, do so within 24 hours. Milk that has been moved into the refrigerator from the freezer can be stored there for up to 24 hours. Remember, when you are expressing, to wash your hands and keep breast pump parts thoroughly washed, rinsed and sterilised in order to prevent any bacteria from developing in the milk. FORMULA MILK ONLY: Formula milk which has been prepared should be discarded after 24 hours in a fridge. Discard any leftover formula from a feed immediately because bacteria from the baby's mouth contaminates the formula and the bacteria can grow and multiply. |
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Can we take the baby outside straight away? Yes that's fine as long as the baby is appropriately dressed. Put a hat on the baby outside but take it off if the baby is inside to avoid overheating. You might need several blankets on if it is cold. The best way to feel a baby's temperature is by feeling his/her tummy or the back or his/her neck. Her hands and feet will always be cooler than his/her body so will not be a good indication of how warm they really are. It is probably a good idea to introduce the baby early on to the outside world as they will develop a good immune system. |
