When I was first told by my partner that she was pregnant, it was at a friend’s house. I think at the time she was worried about how I would react, as having children was something that we had never really discussed before. But when she told me, I went in to a state of shock; my brain just wouldn’t seem to take any more information in. Instead things just kept running though it like: “Is this real? I’m going to be a dad? Am I ready?”
Once that I had gotten over the initial shock, we talked about things, as being a dad was something that I wanted to do, but my partner was scared about the fact. As unlike me she had never been around babies before, so fears and anxieties were all coming to the boil for her. For this I kept on trying to reassure her, telling her that don’t worry, I know what I’m doing and the hospital and antenatal classes will teach you the rest, and you have people here for you.
Over the next few months things went along great we were both looking forward to being parents, getting things for the baby and beginning to accept the fact that our whole lives were going to change very soon.
Around this time we both felt our baby kick for the first time, which was such an amazing thing. It was then the fact I was going to be a parent really hit home to me. And from there I felt like things became like a rollercoaster, they were just moving so fast. The things that I was finding really hard were to go to the appointments with my partner, such as check ups and scans. As normally they were in the middle of the day and with me working these were difficult to attend and even more difficult to get moved to an earlier or later time.
When I did get to those appointments, I often felt like I had entered a woman only zone. The atmosphere seemed to change towards me; often my questions were not answered fully or at all.
Although my partner was supportive towards me and tried to answer my questions, she did not have all of the answers either. From this my own worries and insecurities began to grow. I began to doubt myself and how good a father I would be.
These worries seemed to get worse as my partner was began to attended things like young women’s groups, and female-only antenatal classes. Although I was happy for her to have the support and to see her confidence growing, mine was disappearing. She was learning so much about our baby and I felt as if everything I knew was wrong.
My worries were getting worse by the day; I tried to talk to me friends who were fathers as well. But received very little help or support from them, most wouldn’t drop the ‘macho image’ that many of us men cling to. By admitting that they had been frightened or worried about how they had found becoming a dad. While others, seemed to have little or no consideration for there partners during this stage, instead seeing it as a good excuse to get drunk, and in a few years someone to have a kick about with, with a football.
After tying to talk to my friends, I looked around for other alternatives. Both my partners and my family were totally concerned with how she was doing and seemed to think that I was fine, even when I tried to explain otherwise, I just got. “You need to be strong for her and your baby”. Even looking for support groups, for fathers was of no help. I could only find one group for fathers in my area, which I was totally unable to contact.
At this time I was feeling totally alone, I was feeling like I was nothing more than a shoulder for my partner to cry on and tell me about her worries. As well as a cheque book on legs, as whenever the baby needed something that was the only time I feel that people wanted me to do something, pay for things.
I was left feeling like I had no other alternatives to I went to see my G.P., which became a massive mistake. Even though I asked to speak to a male G.P. I was still sent in to see a female G.P. who I felt had very little sympathy for me or how I was feeling. Instead of getting help from her, I was told that I needed to be there for my partner and our baby. And what I was going through was totally normal and I should just get on with it.
After this I continued to feel more isolated, and worried about how I would be as a father. This transferred into depression for me, as it seemed like everywhere I looked things were against me. As everybody seemed totally concerned with my partner and not once can I really remember anyone asking me how I was. It was from her that my mind stated tow worry about what if things went wrong with me and my partner, as everywhere I looked, I could see Fathers' rights groups. I was worried reading about these stories, and kept thinking would that be me in a year, on top of a courthouse in a Spiderman outfit?
With the depression getting the better of me, I was little to no help to my partner. Rather than being there for her, I was struggling to just do the most basic of things such as get out of bed and go to work. I began to lose all interest in everything and become totally overtaken by the thoughts that I would not be a good dad, as how could I be no one and nothing was there to give me the support that I so desperately needed.
From here these thoughts just seemed to overtake my life I felt like I was living, on borrowed time and that at any point, my partner would leave me, alone and I would never see our baby. So to deal with this I planned to leave, I though that I would be better all round if I was out of their lives forever. My belief was that if our baby didn’t know me then she would not be so upset and by leaving now, then my partner would be able to learn to cope without me, rather than having to do this later, when she was used to me being around. But If I’m totally honest the main reason is a selfish one, it was for me. I felt that if I left before our daughter was born then I would not have such a strong bond and I would be easier for me, as these feeling would go.
Looking back I know that I was being selfish, but I felt as if I had no other alternatives. As I was at one of the lowest points in my life and afraid of going on. It was only by pure luck that things got better for me, as while at university I saw a poster which talked about counselling for students. Although I was afraid that I would be given the same reception that I gained from the G.P. I still went along. And yet again by pure luck was seen by a councillor who had a cancellation that afternoon.
Because I was talking to a female councillor I was at first hesitant to tell her everything, but once I started to talk and more importantly see that someone else was listing, the floodgates opened and I just told her everything, how I was feeling, how scared I was and that I was planning on leaving.
Although very little was said by her in that session, just having someone to talk to helped me a lot. I finally felt as if I was not totally on my own that people did want to know that I was ok.
When I got home I felt different, I felt for the first time in as long as I can remember I felt as if a great weigh had been lifted from my shoulders. I was for the first time in what felt like an age looking forward to being a father, all this just from having someone to listen to me.
Later that night my partner asked me about how I was feeling, I guess that she had seen such a change in my mood, as I was for the first time in ages happy.
So that night I did what I should have probably done long before then I talked to her about how I was feeling and they way things had made me feel. She not only listened but was very supportive about everything, which I was surprised about, as before then. I was so sure that she was under so much stress that she would not have time to listen to me, or to be able to support me.
After that night, I continued to feel better and found talking to my partner much easier. At first I wanted to stop going to see the councillor, (as the macho I-don’t-discuss-my-feelings part of being a man came back with this new feeling of happiness). But we yet again talked about it and I came to the discoing that rather than go back to how I was feeling before it would be better for me to try to deal with these feelings, or at least find solutions to dealing with them in the future.
So I continued to go and alongside this, I found that the more that I dealt with these feelings the more that me and my partner could talk about things. From all of this I found that my confidence was growing, so I was looking forward to becoming a father.
With
these feelings of confidence coming back I was more able to deal, with the
medical professionals. As around the time of the due date we had to attend
the maternity unity as my partner went in to false labour, once the doctor
had checked her he told us that we were fine to go home. And I remember
asking him a question to which I was ignored. In the past this would have,
left it at this and allowed myself to feel pushed out again.
Instead of doing this I asked the question again, which was answered. This
helped me to feel much better for having my question answered, as I felt
as if they had accepted the fact that there were two parents in the room
and not just one soon-to-be mother.
When we finally got to the birth (which was ten days late), I was excited and very nervous, as I’m sure everybody is. But whet I found so hard was to see my partner the person that I love in so much pain, and being unable to do anything to help her. It is only when the labour got underway that I felt as if I felt better as then I knew it was for a reason, our baby was about to be born. And I’m glad to report that she was fine, although when I first saw her I felt as if I had been hit by a truck. As all the emotions I never even knew that I had hit me, somehow I managed to make it out of the room before I passed out. But going back in to that room was hard, I was afraid, as I knew that as soon as I went back in I would have to totally accept the fact that I was a father, which is a scary prospect. When I did make it back into the room, I saw my daughter for the first time properly and the emotion hit me again as for the next 20 minutes I think I cried more than she did for the next two days. I was totally unable to stop crying, I was so happy.
Once we were on the ward I began to feel more useful as I could hold my daughter, change her and even feed her. So the realisation that I was a parent was here. When it came to 8 p.m. visitors had to leave, although I originally though I would not want to go, I now felt that I needed to go. To have some time to sort my own head out as by this time I felt as if my head itself was spinning.
When I got home my head was still spinning, and for the next two night while my partner and daughter were still in the maternity unity, I don't think that I slept for more than a couple of hours.
When they got home things were really strange, as we were now parents. And the amount that our lives had changed was really hitting home. As well as adjusting to our new roles, was becoming difficult.
Since my daughter (Siobhon) has come home one of the biggest problems that I have faced is creating a bond with her. As she is asleep when I leave the house for work and ready to go to bed when I get back in, this leaves me feeling as if she is creating bond with other people who are getting to see more of my daughter than I am.
Although I quite often feel like this, I know that things will get better, as my workload, is due to be cut dramatically. But to get me through I make sure that I am involved in her daily routine, by putting her to bed every night, and by checking on her when we go to bed (although I would like to be doing more this is one of the major downsides about being a working parent, you miss so much. So you have to be there for what you can as every second you can spend with you child is worth it, even changing nappies).
For those who are reading this if you are about to become a father or just have, I'd like to say first off congratulations. But what I have found is that although we do need to be there for our partner, we also need to be there for ourselves, because when you reach the point that I reached. You cannot be there 100% for anyone as you can't even give any where near that to yourself.
But
if anyone would like to talk to another father, about anything or would
like to ask me any questions please feel free to email me at Danny_taylor247@yahoo.com